once upon a time,
there were two little girls.
the two little girls met, and fell in love with one another.
through many twists and turns and pipes and rails they fell apart;
they fell from one another.

after many lonesome days melding into one another,
the two girls found one another once more.

the two little girls,
well,
we'll be:
together forever.

not even bruises will blossom upon my flesh
can't cease my blood from thickening to dirt in my veins
my eyes from clouding
my heart from breaking.
why wont you fucking turn around?
why wont you fucking take my hand and tell me its okay.
my bones are crushed powder and lye
my lips are numb

i couldnt stop loving you if i tried.

..........................................................................................................................................................................
today, was the loneliest day.
today, i would cut off my hands to hear your voice, dad.
take my hand, someone, anyone.
....
no amount of liquor will slow my tears.
fuck the holidays.
..........................................................................................................................................................................
Yesterday I saw you
I wonder if you saw me too
If your heart sunk
And the world seemed to fall apart
If you noticed the sky falling down around me
As I stood beneath that street light

You pulled up to the red light and put out your cigarette
"Don’t leave me now" was playing; you turned to me and said
"How could you go, when you know how I need you,"

The light turned green and you sped off

Pink Floyd was playing and you were singing alone

Leaving me
Wanting nothing more than to throw open the door
And tell you to just drive
..........................................................................................................................................................................

i.am.a.mess.

i can't sleep.

i get sick every single time i eat.

my hair's starting to fall out.

i'm dropping weight fast.

i shake constantly.

and i fucking need you. don't make me walk away.

please. don't make me cry.

please. don't tell me not to look at you the way.

when the pipe's at the lips i memorize every time i watch you sleep,

when you smoke the poison that made me leave,

while ignoring my weary, broken hearted glances.

fuck you.

i love you so goddamn fucking much. and i will never stop.

but don't fill me full of hollow lies.

i don't want the life we had before. i will never go back to that.

i don't want your vacant eyes.

i just want to love you....

.....

i need you just as much as you say you need me.

don't make me leave.

fuck your drugs.

....fuck

he took my hand and told me how proud of me he was. he put his hand on top of mine, as if to console me. he looked into my eyes full of tears, and he told me he knew someday i would be fixed; i wouldn't be broken forever.

if only he knew...

sleep no longer carries comfort. i feel weak without solid ground. in sleep terror covers me like a blanket of muddy water. and i awaken in panic, drowning in these paranoid fears. i can feel it slipping through my fingers like sand.

.i'd come home.

she's gone. i don't know what's going on, or where she is, or where to begin. i need safety; i need a home; i need her arms. she is no where to be found, and i cannot help but feel we are destined to punish one another forever.

to find you gone.....

R.I.P. buck "wild" oatway 1981-nov.3 2006 .....never thought, of all the people we might lose, it would be you. we all know our poison, but who ever thought yours would come to claim you so soon. you were a fucking light in our lives. you were the laughter we needed once again. thank you for the long embraces when i felt i couldn't hold it together. thank you for the smiles, the beer, the stories, the friendship. thank you for findng your way to this dirty little town.... if only you'd come back. you will be loved and missed...

I was alone, falling free
Trying my best not to forget
What happened to us, what happened to me
What happened as I let it slip.
I was confused by the powers that be
Forgetting names and faces
Passers by, were looking at me
As if they could erase it

Baby, did [you] forget to take your meds?
Baby, did you forget to take your meds?

I was alone, staring over the ledge
Trying my best not to forget
All manner of joy, all manner of plea
And our one heroic pledge
I would matter to us, I would matter to me
And the consequences
I was confused by the birds and the bees
Forgetting if I meant it

Baby, did you forget to take your meds? (x4)
[And the sex, and the drugs, and the complications] (x4)
Baby, did you forget to take your meds? (x6)
I was alone, falling free
trying my best not to forget

it's been weeks since i took my pills. whenever you think you've come so far, it's back down the rabbithole, over and over and over. just want to be left alone to wrap my head around where i've been. you keep telling me to look forward and work for a better tomorrow, but tomorrow never gets here. my hearts pounding against cracked ribs and my hands won't stop shaking. one pill or one bottle? leave me to my liquor. leave me to my sad tales and blackened eyes. leave me to my bloody lips, and i'll be the only one to get hurt.

can't pick up the pieces to live a life of work and school. not after all this. i can drink myself to oblivion, walk across this filthy city for days, read a hundred novels, and listen to a thousand songs. memorize all their lyrics like some sacred prayer to keep me away from myself. i can cry a million tears and still listen to your story. i can take my pills and swallow my pride. but how can you ask me to be ok... eightteen years, and all you have to offer me is a wish i'll be okay...

maybe it's just one of those days... maybe i just need to take my pills...